Thursday, August 10, 2006

Is Al Gore Actually a Closet Conservative?

Dear America,
I was reading Hoover Institute fellow Peter Schweizer's article in the USA Today today and I came to a startling conclusion. Al Gore is possibly a closet conservative. I know what your thinking: "Now that's just kooky talk," but hear me out. Mr. Schweizer is the author of such scholarly tomes as Do As I Say (Not As I Do): Profiles in Liberal Hypocrisy. Anytime I see 'Liberal Hypocrisy' in the title, I know that I am in for a good read.

In the article, Schweizer outlines several things which he seems to think indicate examples of the aforementioned Liberal Hypocracy. But in the same actions that Schweizer list, I am starting suspect the actions of a cold blooded, conservative capitalist when you look at the things he points out. Take for example:
  • He flys around on a private jet.
  • He got someone else to pay for his pollution.
  • He owns multiple homes, one in excess of 10000 square feet.
  • Instead of actually doing something about energy concerns at home, he has a spokesman say they are "looking into it".
  • He chooses to put the bottom line before the environment.
  • He owns a buttload of oil company stocks. (I wish I did too, I sincerly regret not buying oil and Haliburton stock the moment our Commander in Chief took the Oath of Office.)
  • He gets money from a Zinc mine. Zinc. Talk about primo commodities.
  • He is the child of an entrenched political entity.
It was after reading this laundry list of accusations that I had an epiphiny. OMG, if you put it that way, he sounds just like George W. Bush!

I am starting to suspect Al Gore is merely promoting this apocalyptic fantasy of a movie as a way of driving up the value of his petroleum stock. But best of all he puts himself out there as a patsy for conservative pundits to hang the hat of hypocrisy on. He can play the martyr, while still profiting from things like subsidy money the government is giving oil companies. What a brilliant, Machievellian move, Mr. Gore.

Now that I have exposed you as the "capitalist dog" you are Mr. Gore, let me be the first to welcome you to the conservative cause. You might have only payed lip service to shrinking government when you were in office, but now you can safely come out of the "conservative closet." It now even makes sense why Ann Coulter called you "a total fag," because like most homophobes, she felt an unnatural attraction to you that she could not explain. It was because even she could sense, even if she could not articulate, that deep down you are one of us, if only in the sense of that way that cyborgs can ever really "belong".

Al, from this day forward, please strive to thine own self be true. Make sure that Zinc mine can continue to send you royalties in a business environment not saddled with the horrible yoke of government regulation. Help make sure your children can inherit your enourmous fortune. Help ensure that the oil company stock that you own can appreciate at a rate greater than inflation by leveling the playing field that they compete on against the environazis and regulationistas that thwart their every turn. Help ensure that you should only be beholden to the government of this nation a proportion of your income that is equal to all, be they fry cook or CEO or social worker or lawyer or teacher or banker.

Just come out as the conservative you know you are. Look deep into your heart and you will see a conservative staring back at you. You might as well. You are exposed Al Gore. Now reject the indoctrination of the ivory tower liberal elites and become the product of privelage and wealth that you are and admit it.

Your Welcome America.

Your Humble Servant,
Rob R. Baron ~ Esquire

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